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2003: 11th Annual Self Admiration Basketball Club Lunch My name is Rys W. Brown and I am a sports ghost writer. I am sometimes called upon to write sports stars autobiographies. As you could tell a number of Australian sporting stars are not the most sound or intelligent individuals and it is my job to make them look interesting and not like assholes. I have previously written former rugby league star book of anecdotes "Pull my Mal Meninga", star soccer goal keeper Mark Bosnich's book "White Line Fever" and Justin Langer's book "Power and the Passion" (the man can barely speak, no one suspected he could actually write anything either). Last week I was commissioned by PAOCBC basketballer Ben Palk to pen the story of the 11th Annual PAOCBC Basketball Lunch. The process is Mr Palk tells me in about half an hour what happened at the lunch and I pretty much just fill in the blanks. Ben for some reason usually struggles to recount a lot of the day/evening so some of the times of events maybe a little off, some of the stories maybe out a chronological order and some of the stories maybe a little embellished for comic value. I hope you enjoy. Friday 7th November 2003 11.30 pm - Andrew "Big A" Williams arrives at the Coopers Ale House where Ben "Palky" Palk has been drinking since 5 pm. They both seem quite drunk after a long session at work drinks. Both are excited about the next day's festivities. They sink a few more beers together in preparation and to calm their collective nerves. They were like two big (and fat) kids waiting for Santa to come and leave presents under their tree. I this case X-mas in the Basketball Lunch, Santa is the Queens Head Hotel, beer in the presents and their stomachs are the tree. Their mate Bill vests interest in coming the next day. Big A sms' Simon "The Gnat" Miller and locks him in. 11.45 pm - Palky starts talking to really cute girl- He believes that he is in. Saturday 8th November 2003 12.00 am - Palky still having a crack and all seems to be going well. He then gets a little anxious about compiling the basketball stats in the morning due to last years dramas and Big A and he decide it is best that they leave the pub and do printing off of stats and put stats in plastic folders. Time is running out and with each passing minute they get drunker and drunker and will make stats organisation impossible. The girl will have to wait for another day - the stats are important. 1.00 am - Time got away from the boys and they had to have 3 pints just to wet their whistle in anticipation for a night of correlating. 1.15 am - Boys arrive at Finlaysons and start their thankless task. They need water to get them through but can only find soda water - that will have to do. 1.30 am - Stats are printed off and photocopied. Title pages were designed. Disclaimers are written. Binder tags created and cut out. Plastic sleeves are placed in folders and stats are placed in. Now this is in theory is what should have happened. This however leaves out the fact that 2 stupid fat guys are stumbling around pissed as buggers working out how to use photocopiers, Excel is now the most difficult programme ever written, and putting bits of paper in plastic sleeves in plastic folders should be the entrance exam for MENSA coz it is possibly the hardest thing they have ever done. The lads were pissed off. 4.00 am - Stats complete. Back to Big A's for frozen pizza. N64 American Football and sleep. 4.30 am - Lads fall asleep (not together). 10.30 am - A and Palky wake up (again to reiterate not together). A goes to work to put in a couple of hours before the lunch. Palk heads home to have shower, pretty himself up and make a few last minute adjustments. 11.30 am - Palky rings Bill to organise lift. Bill answers phone "Too hungover to drink". Palky yells "Let's get ready to rumble". Bill reiterates "Too hungover to drink". It looks like he ain't lunching. 12.00 pm - Palky picks up A and they head to the lunch. A looks unfired up, Palky tries to get him pumped but it was like we were going to a Tupperware party and he has no freezables. 12.15 pm - Boys arrive at lunch greeted by Sean "Van" Heylen and the lovely Kate. They make small talk but all on their mind is the beer. All comment on how lovely the pub looks. Beer and water is purchased, Palky mainly drinks water. The G-nat arrives with the lovely future Mrs Miller, Nici. He muses over the fact the trophies are the ugliest pieces of red chip board ever glued together - Palky secretly thinks they look fantastic. Punters start arriving at regular intervals all look quietly confident of imminent drunkenness. 12.30 pm - Club makes it out to the beer garden. It is an awesome day. The beer garden looks sensational and A and Palk make their way the raised platform. Andrew "Rosco" Ross is made aware that he is the club's Beer Bitch as the only rookie in attendance. It looks like he has previously been told that Palky will get ropeable if he doesn't do his duty with aplomb. 12.40 pm - Andrew "Sully" Sullivan arrives looks 1 million dollars. He is moving to France soon - Palky thought he looked 1 Million Euros. 12.45 pm - Extra beer garden is discovered - it has a lovely Jamie Jury water feature. Pascal Fox has outdone herself. Some of the lads act like they have found the ancient Mayan City of Gold. 1.00 pm - Matt "Rough Justice" Just and Mark "Max Power" Powell arrive. It is commented that they are like super heroes. RJ's catch cry will be "You've been Justified" and Rosco states that Max Power's would be "Strap yourself in and feel the G's". 1.20 pm - Lads sit down to lunch. On the main table is Big A, Palky, the sweat pant sporting Ryan "Tiger" Williams, Former MVP David "DC" Cahill, Ben "Rizz" Evans, Guy "Flair" Collins and the lovely Bec, Hamish "Red Myst" Saunders, the newly nicknamed James "Gusto" McGuffog, Ben "Dribbles" Darsow and rookie Andrew "Rosco" Ross. It is pointed out that Rosco is a smarmy git - he smiled smarmily. 1.30 pm - Beer is now on. Rosco jumps up and starts providing jugs. Bar staff have limited our output to 4 jugs (he has his work cut out for him). Like a duck takes to water Rosco took to beer provision - best effort by a rookie ever. At one point he had to be told to stop and just sit down. The Incredible Hat is pulled out. It shall be given to the club member who says the dumbest thing and they have to get beer whilst wearing the hat. Flair shortens as the early money favourite. 1.35 pm - In his official capacity Gnat collects $30 from all punters for lunch and beer. Cash is being readily passed to our goateed President this is until he reaches Patrick Khoo. Patrick thinking Gnat is a walking store asks in 100% seriousness if Simon takes plastic as he whips out the Diners. Needless to say in less than 5 minutes the newly nicknamed Patrick "Diners" Khoo is now wearing the hat - you silly twat. 1.37 pm - Sean intros the 11th annual mutual admiration lunch. He has kind things to say about everyone. Sean points out that the club members are all getting old - everyone is either getting married, getting engaged or having kids. Palky and A feel immature. Awards ceremony begins. 1.39 pm - Diners does Mondays speech - none of his team are there except Sully. Palky does first of 3 speeches with the able assistance of Big A for Wednesdays. Thinks he is pretty funny - turns out probably not - rubs in that he is in the only Championship team in the club - club hates Palky. In mutual admiration A gives Palky self appointed MVP trophy. Ben "The Fear" Christie does Thursday speech and admits he know very little about the team. Palky gets up again and does D's speech - boy he loves the sound of his own voice - speech goes way too long. During speech informed he was ordered the chicken parmi. The Fear does C's, Max Power gets MVP and looks subtly enthused (unsure if he actually has emotions or he just a Vulcan has moved passed the need for them). Rizz gives B's trophies - turns out he is pretty much talking to himself as he and Adam "Zippers" Wheatley are only B's members there. Zippers gets Most Outstanding trophy. Whereas all the clubs trophies are red, Zippers for some reason gets a blue one. A does the A's. Funny as always and gives team ultimatum to step up or ship out. Grant "The Excitement Machine" Nalder gets MVP and from the Max Power School doesn't crack a smile. Sean and Palky award Matt "The Owner" Trim Club Champion - Matt not available to collect award. During speech Palky mainly talks about himself - arrogant prat but "What ya gonna do"? 2.15 pm - Soup ordered and consumed. Soup = water, chicken stock + 2 celery bits - mmmm ... cheap. Tiger was very appreciative towards waiting staff. Dribbles laughs at Tiger and dubs him Ryan "Manners" Williams - RM Williams (topical). 2.20 pm - Sully is given Hat but refuses to wear it as it may mess up concrete hair. Still does duties of beer getter but without the love of the Hat. Abuse of Sully by club (mainly by Palky) begins. Mark Lambert arrives. 2.25 pm - Parmis arrive. A and Simon are admitted as club life members. A gives speech using lots of big words 90% of club bemused. Talks about history of club and says we are blessed and cursed at the same time - says "that said" a lot. Sime gives speech says "to echo Andrew ...", ie "I want to be intelligent by association". Both excellent speeches and underlie their love for the club. 2.40 pm - Drinking begins in earnest. 3.00 pm - Lads tell stories share some laughs. In a very nerd moment the lads discuss how one actually comes up with the value of Pi. After 5 minutes decide it is 22 divided by 7 and lets leave it at that. 3.05 pm - Palky takes Hat off Sully as the Hat has been "Sullied". He thought it was very funny. 3.30 pm - Palky decides that it needs to be rubbed in that he is MVP and Sully isn't. Palky dances around Sully for 5 minutes - he shows unbelievable restraint and patience whilst being teased by a 27 child. BB laughs heartily comfortable in the knowledge that Palky can't tease a fellow MVP. 3.40 pm - Gnat takes the Hat and wears for the rest of the afternoon to show punks the way it is done. Conversations continue, conversation suitably dismissed from memory. 3.50 pm - Rough Justice and Max Power leave - probably got call from Police Commissioner (maybe Mr Freeze has gotten out of jail again and is on a bank robbery spree and it turns out that Batman happens to be on holiday). 4.00 pm - Ben Darsow gets coffee. Lads at table laugh at Ben and decide that this is grounds for new nickname - some preposed ones are Ben "Moccachino" Darsow, Ben "Sprinkles" Darsow, Ben "Double De-Caf with Lemon" Darsow, Ben "Foamy" Darsow. It is decided that from now on he shall be Ben "De-caf" Darsow. It is pointed out that he will negate "Caffeine" Jimmy Jones. All think that De-caf's ordering of coffee is both gay and lame. 4.05 pm - A, Palky, Rosco, DC and Ryan all enjoy our newly ordered coffee. 4.10 pm - "Magic" James Hill concocts drink of beer, red and white wine with a dash of margarine, salt and pepper. 4.11 pm - Palky has sip - thinks better of it. Palky confident that he could drink it. Would be more prepared to drink melted shot of marg. 4.20 pm - Club realise that there is only 10 minutes left of beer. Every receptacle is filled with beer, ashtrays, wine glass, schooners, pints, empty wine bottles. Club do well to get as much free beers as possible. Trimmy maybe a little more out of pocket than he first thought. 4.30 pm - Beer stops. Club pissed as buggers. We have put in a mighty effort. Trimmy is called - he seems happy to speak to everyone, seems really unconcerned that all these pissed buggers are in his pub. 4.45 pm - Palky decides he wants to wear trophy as a chain. Rosco gets Palky some String-String so his MVP becomes bling-bling. Good work Ross.
5.30 pm - 9.00 pm - SCENE DELETED 9.30 pm - Hot chick referred to as "Lemon" hanging around bar. Sean bet Palky he couldn't talk to her for 2 minutes - Palky took the bet. She was watching the rugby. He went in with opening line "Excuse me, can you tell me the score". She turned and said "9 all" ... "Okay", Palky said "so who is winning"? She didn't laugh. 15 seconds later Sean won the bet. 9.45 pm - Palky gave the lovely Kate his philosophy on women. She looked scared. 10.00 pm - 12.00 am - MORE SCENES DELETED Sunday 9th November 2003 12.00 am - A, Palky, Manners, Lambert and Red Myst head to Shotz. 12.10 am - A, Palky and Lambert play 10 pin bowling. A and Palky find Lambert's bowling style crazy. He gets strike in beer frame but no beer ticket came out. He seemed unconcerned. 12.30 am - A, Manners and Red Myst leave. Lambert and Palky play pool. Lambert does Beyonce Knowles dancing on the floor - one of the piss funniest things Palky had ever seen - watching an unshaven lad rolling around on the floor. 1.30 am - Lambert and Palky head to HJs before heading home. Palky sees mate from primary school. Works out that it was 15 years since he last saw him. Primary school mate seemed unenthused. 2.00 am - Palky gets in cab - heads home and goes to sleep. 1.00 pm - Palky wakes up still drunk. Gets sms from DC re lost sunglasses. Gets cab and heads to the Queens Head Hotel to pick up the 626. 1.15 pm - Heads into pub -
all bar staff look knowingly in his direction
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